


It's Always Sunny In Shadow Moses

by simonsaidfred



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Metal Gear
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 07:16:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10804395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonsaidfred/pseuds/simonsaidfred
Summary: Mac reignites Movie Night with a video game: Metal Gear Solid.





	It's Always Sunny In Shadow Moses

Dennis returned to Dee's apartment counting on it being vacant. Both Dee and Mac should be at Paddy's, or dead in an alley, or floating facedown in the Schuylkill River. It made no difference to him; at any rate they should be gone, and Dennis had Big Plans for the apartment. 

Namely, looking into an interesting new variety of porn he discovered. 

Much to Dennis' chagrin, the apartment was occupied by Mac. Dennis scoffed loudly. "What the hell are you doing here?!" 

"Oh, hey, Dennis! I'm glad you're here," Mac said, rising from where he kneeled on the floor, dusting his hands on his pants. "You know how you demanded I find a non-Predator movie for movie night?"

Dennis indeed recalled demanding such a thing. He was sick of Predator. He was sick of having his physique compared to Carl Weathers' and Jesse "The Body" Ventura's constantly. Frankly, he was sick of movie nights with Mac altogether - if it wasn't incessant men's physique talk, it was MST3K-esque "jokes" over the dialogue, only Mac was terrible at it. 

No, Dennis wasn't too keen on continuing the movie night tradition, which is why he had given Mac the impossible task of finding a better movie than Predator in the first place. 

Dennis smiled at another perfectly executed plot, and Mac smiled back at him, obliviously, a goofy lopsided grin. 

"Well, I think I found the perfect thing: Escape From New York." 

"Of course you'd want to escape from New York, it's a shithole!" Dennis exclaimed. 

"It's a movie from the 80s starring Kurt Russell, who of course, has a great physique," Mac continued. Dennis rolled his eyes. "He plays a guy named Snake Plissken, who's only got one eye. He's tasked with saving the president. It's totally badass."

"Wait, Kurt Russell plays a guy named one-eyed Snake? That's... pretty gay," Dennis said. 

"What? No, dude. Anyway, you know how Frank and Charlie recently got that PlayStation 3? I figured, they're probably not using it, so I 'borrowed' it from their apartment." Mac reached back down to the floor, picking up the DualShock controller and pushing the middle power button to power the console on. 

"What does any of this have to do with movie night?" Dennis asked impatiently.

"I was looking up trivia for Escape From New York to totally impress you with when we watch the movie, and I read about this video game that's basically Escape From New York. Only this character has both eyes. His name is Solid Snake -" 

"Wait a minute. Solid Snake? Dude.... That's incredibly gay." 

"It doesn't matter if it's gay!" Mac yelled, exasperated. "The game sounded fun, and it's on PlayStation, so I bought it. From what I read, it's basically a movie. You just hit a couple of buttons, and the game does the rest. Want to watch me play it?" Mac sat down on Dee's couch, patting the cushion next to him. 

Dennis flashed to the incredible round of masturbation he had planned, and how irritated he was that Mac had ruined that for him.... But, it's not like he had anything better to do. 

"Sure, buddy," Dennis smiled, sitting down next to Mac. 

"I'm so excited," Mac gushed. "We haven't had a movie night in forever." 

"And we've never had a video game night," Dennis added, straining a smile. 

The PlayStation logo flashed on the screen, and the pulsing synth that accompanied it blasted from Dee's television's monoaural speaker. Mac scrambled for the television remote to turn down the volume. He knows how sensitive Dennis is to loud sounds. 

He glanced over to Dennis, who indeed was wincing in pain, his hands covering his ears. 

"Sorry," Mac said sheepishly. 

The Konami logo came on the screen next, and with it a brief cheerful jingle played. Dennis uncovered his ears. "Oh, I do like that though." 

Mac sat back down next to Dennis, and together they watched the opening video introducing the game's plot and main characters. Dennis followed along easily, but Mac always struggled with complicated plots. Dennis braced himself for a lot of explaining. 

Mac reached over to pat Dennis on the knee. "Did you follow all that, bud?" he asked. Dennis nodded once, lifting his head. 

"What's the name of this game, anyway?" Dennis asked, gritting his teeth. 

"Metal Gear Solid, dude." Mac said as the main menu appeared on the screen. Mac cycled thru the presented options.

"New game, I'd assume," Dennis said impatiently. 

"Hold on." Mac selected the option labeled Briefing, and a menu with several options popped up. Mac selected the first option, and a video began to play. Onscreen, a monochrome sepia animation of a shirtless man with long hair played.

"That hair is awesome, bro," Mac said, elbowing Dennis. 

"It's very Lethal Weapon Mel Gibson," Dennis had to agree. 

"Snake's got a great physique, too," Mac said, craning his head to get a closer look. Dennis rolled his eyes again. 

Mac hit a button and the camera angle changed. "Whoa! You can check him out from multiple angles! This is awesome!" Mac bellowed. 

They watched the rest of the Briefing videos, Mac constantly changing the camera angle and zooming in to get the best look at Snake. After watching all of them, he exited the Briefing menu, and a final video began to play. 

"Do you have any scissors?" Snake asked onscreen. 

"Oh no, is he gonna cut that Mel Gibson hair?!" Dennis exclaimed. Mac patted him on the shoulder consolatorily, nodding solemnly. 

Mac selected the New Game option, and after a brief cutscene where Snake swam up to Shadow Moses, finally had control of Snake. He ran around in a circle a few times, then punched the air. He then squatted down, moving to a laying down position. 

"I wonder if crazy people are just video game characters who are being controlled by people who are bad at video games," Dennis snarked, giving Mac the side eye. 

"C'mon, gimme a break! It's my first time playing it," Mac whined. 

Onscreen, Snake crawled under a pipe. He continued crawling for a distance, until a guard spotted him. The guard opened fire, and a second guard ran over, also shooting Snake. Snake cried out in pain, his short health bar reduced to half instantly. 

"You're killing him!" Dennis yelled. "Do something!"

"I'm trying!" Mac yelled back, twisting the controller and mashing buttons. "Get up, goddamn it!"

Snake's health bar reduced to zero. "Aaaaagh!" his agonized death cry echoed, and the Game Over screen popped up. "SNAAAAAAKE!" another character screamed. 

"... you're really bad at this, dude," Dennis said finally. Mac sighed, selecting Continue. With a gunshot, the game started back up. 

Mac got further this time, figuring out that you had to avoid the guards and wait for the elevator that the blonde jabroni took up. Finally it returned, and Snake ran thru a puddle entering it. A guard, hearing the splash, said "Huh?" and came over to investigate, but the elevator doors closed. 

"Haha! Take that, bitch!" Mac exclaimed. He raised his hand to Dennis for a high five, but Dennis ignored it. 

Onscreen, a cutscene played: Snake dramatically took off his scuba mask, dropping it on the floor of the elevator dramatically, posing dramatically. "Metal Gear Solid" appeared onscreen, and simultaneously the controller vibrated. 

"Whoa, dude. When the logo appeared on the screen, the controller vibrated against my junk," Mac said, shocked. 

"What a way to bridge an emotional connection between character and player," Dennis said dryly. 

"I'm liking this game so far."

"I'm sure you are. I just hope you get better at playing it." Dennis smiled dangerously. 

Forty five minutes later, Mac's head rested in his hands, frustrated. Dennis screamed at him. "Give me the controller! You've died nineteen times at this same part!" 

"No, I got it this time. Watch." 

Onscreen, Snake ran onto the helipad. The searchlights immediately spot him, and guards begin shooting at him. Dennis pinched the bridge of his nose, completely exasperated. Snake hid until the alert was over, then ran into the room to the left. "A surveillance camera?!" Snake said incredulously for the twentieth time. He then, controlled by Mac, immediately ran under that same surveillance camera. Gunfire descends upon Snake again. 

"Mac, you run under that goddamn surveillance camera every time. Do you not hear Snake say, 'A surveillance camera?!' like he's never seen one before?"

"I can't help it. There's an item over there." 

"There's got to be a better way to get the item!!" Dennis screeched. "One that doesn't involve Snake getting killed -again-!"

Onscreen, Snake ran to the nearby truck, climbing in the back and finding a gun. He then selected the gun, shooting the guards. 

The door to Dee's apartment opened. "Heyoooo~!" called Charlie. Mac and Dennis exclaimed excitedly, jumping up to greet him. The three men did a little dance together, an elbow-heavy shuffle as they all hummed and sang off-key joyously.

"And what's going on here?" Charlie asked, looking at the screen. "Is that Frank's PlayStation?"

"Yeah, dude, Dennis and I are having a video game night! It's like movie night, but with a video game." 

"Mac assured me this video game would be just like a movie, and I'm sure it would be if he weren't so goddamn bad at it." Dennis crossed his arms. "Anyway, it's a gay video game about a guy named Snake--"

"It's not a gay video game," Mac interrupted. 

"-- a guy named Solid Snake," Dennis continued. 

"Solid Snake? That's pretty gay, bro," Charlie said. 

Onscreen, Snake was in an airduct. A blonde man with sunglasses talked to Snake on his radio. "There's no one I'd rather have in a foxhole than you," Snake said. 

"See?!" Dennis exclaimed. 

"That really is a pretty gay game, dude. Good for you!" Charlie patted Mac on the back. "It's about time you embraced this. We've always known--"

"What are you talking about?! I'm not gay, I'm cultured!" Mac yelled. 

"Oh, whatever, dude." Dennis drew the words out pointedly. "Let's just continue the game." He and Mac sat back down on the couch, and Charlie wandered into the kitchen, rifling thru Dee's fridge. 

"Dee never has any food. No eggs, no cheese... I can't live like this." Charlie yelled from the kitchen. 

"Let's order a pizza!" Dennis suggested. Mac missed this, concentrating on the television screen, trying to carefully guide Snake from the airducts to the next stage of the game. 

"I think I'm getting the hang of this," Mac said, the tip of his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth. Dennis saw this and smiled. 

"Good job, buddy! You haven't died in three whole minutes." Dennis laughed. 

The gang ordered and consumed pizza, and Mac slowly made his way thru the game, dying less frequently but still often. Snake made his way to the holding cells, had a lot of exposition with a black guy, who then died. 

"Oh, that's racist, to kill the black guy first," Dennis complained. 

"Is that what's racist, or is it racist to call it racist?" Mac asked, and Dennis and Charlie grumbled in disagreement. 

Onscreen, Snake saw a naked man bent over, his ass pixelated. Dennis and Charlie shared a knowing look. Snake is accosted by a guard, who he then accuses of being a rookie. A shootout ensues. Mac as Snake survives it, and in the following cutscene, the camera and Snake's point of view are focused on the guard's ass as she runs away. 

"See, guys? It's not a gay game. Snake just checked out her ass!" 

"That doesn't prove anything, Mac. He could be bisexual, or even pansexual." Dennis argued. 

"Okay now, it doesn't matter if he loves men or women or pans or whatever, the fact remains that he's a total badass," Charlie said. 

"That's the spirit! See, I knew you guys would like this game eventually," Mac said cheerfully. 

The game continued. Snake went from the holding cells down to the armory. It took a while, but Mac finally found where Snake was supposed to place the C4 to blow up the wall. Another cutscene played, this one introducing Revolver Ocelot.

"There's nothing like the feeling of slamming a bullet into a well-greased chamber," Ocelot purred onscreen, and Charlie and Dennis exchanged another look. 

"This game is badass!" Mac exclaimed again as Snake ran around onscreen, shooting at Ocelot. 

"Who's that jabroni that keeps moaning?" Mac asked, his body twisting around as he struggled with the boss battle. 

"That's the ArmsTech president, Kenneth Baker," Dennis said. "Haven't you been paying any attention?"

Mac as Snake defeated Ocelot, and in the following cutscene, his hand flopped off, severed by the Cyborg Ninja. 

"Ninja?! That's goddamn preposterous!" Dennis yelled. 

"No way, it's awesome!" Mac disagreed. 

"Mac's right, it's awesome," Charlie said. "I've always said more movies need ninjas." 

"Whatever," Dennis scoffed. 

The game continued. Snake went from the place where he fought Revolver Ocelot back thru the armory, continuing outside to a snowfield. His codec rang. The person calling identified himself as "Deepthroat." Dennis and Charlie's eyes met again knowingly. There was a battle between Snake and a tank, as well as an argument about how badass or ridiculous it was, between the three men. Mac and Charlie thought it was supremely badass: Dennis disagreed. 

The door slammed open. "Ohh, god DAMN it!!" Dee bellowed. "What the hell are you dickbags doing here?!" 

"Hey, Dee. Movie night," Mac said, not looking up from the screen. 

"Want some popcorn?" Charlie held the bowl up to her. 

"Oh, do I want to eat some of the popcorn I bought with my own money? Yeah, thanks, Charlie," Dee snarled. 

"Food stamps is more like it," Dennis said, and the other two men laughed. 

"It's funny 'cause she's poor!" Mac said.

"Oh, ha ha, you guys," Dee said sarcastically. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"We're having a video game movie night," Charlie explained.

Dee looked over at the screen. The ninja was menacing a cowering man with grey hair. 

"Did he just piss himself?" Dee asked, pointing at the screen. Dennis waved his hand, shushing her. 

Onscreen, Snake confronted the ninja. The man who pissed his pants hid in an adjacent locker. "What a nerd," Charlie said, laughing. He and Dennis high fived. Mac looked at Dennis disapprovingly. 

The ninja battle raged on. Mac as Snake got his ass kicked, but managed to defeat the ninja. In the following cutscene, the ninja short circuited, running away. 

"Seriously, what the hell is going on in this game?" Dee asked again. 

"Dee, you can't just barge in on video game movie night halfway thru and demand to know what's going on," Mac argued. 

"Well, you could save us all a lot of time and just catch me up," Dee retorted. 

"Mac is playing as a character named Solid Snake--" Dennis began. 

"Solid Snake? That's incredibly gay," Dee interrupted. 

"That's what I said!" Dennis laughed. 

"It's not gay, alright?! There's a woman with a hot ass that Snake's totally going to bang," Mac said grumpily. 

Dee looked over at the screen. "It looks like he's going to bang this science bitch," she said, pointing. Charlie and Dennis laughed again. 

"It's not gay! Alright?! I'm really getting frustrated with you guys constantly calling it gay!" Mac yelled. 

"Dude, it's fine that you're gay--that it's gay, whatever," Dee cooed, her fingers locked together loosely. "You know we have no problem with that."

"Shut up, bird!" Mac moved to throw the controller at her, and she flinched. 

Onscreen, Snake and the man who pissed his pants, Otacon, continued talking. "They really do have incredible chemistry," Dennis said. "I bet Snake ends up with him instead of that chick." 

The game continued. Snake met up with the chick, Meryl, again. There was a lot of dialogue between them. Mac squinted at the screen, trying to follow along. "See, they're totally gonna bang in that bathroom." 

"Whatever, dude. You are so deep in denial, it's sad," Dennis said.

Snake and Meryl continued on, Meryl becoming possessed by Psycho Mantis. "Make love to me! Snake!" Meryl cried orgasmically, and Mac elbowed Dennis. 

"What, you don't like girls?" Psycho Mantis sneered, and Dennis elbowed him back, harder. 

A boss battle ensued with Psycho Mantis, and Dennis was fully engaged. "Finally a character I can get into!" Dennis exclaimed. Mantis delivered his death speech and Dennis was edge-of-his-seat riveted. Charlie and Dee stared at him, creeped out by how enthralled he was. 

Mantis finally died. Snake and Meryl continued on their way. 

Dee's door burst open, and Frank stormed in. "Which one of you bastards stole it?" He brandished his snub nosed revolver. The rest of the gang exclaimed in shock and anger. 

"Oh, what the hell, Frank?!" Dee screamed. "You can't just barge into my apartment brandishing a gun!"

"It's okay, Frank," Charlie said. "Mac's playing a gay game, and we're watching. You should join us!"

Frank stood, gun still held midair, staring at the screen. 

Onscreen, Meryl screamed in pain as her arm exploded in red, courtesy of Sniper Wolf's bullet 

"Count me in," he said, pocketing his gun. 

The gang settled in. Frank sat closest to the screen, Mac next to him on the middle of the couch, and Dennis next to Mac. Charlie curled up on the chair, and Dee sat between the two furnitures on the floor. 

Onscreen, the plot continued. Mac as Snake had to backtrack a long way to get a sniper rifle, and the gang took the opportunity to catch Frank up on the plot. Dee sighed, exasperated. 

Snake was captured by Sniper Wolf, a character Charlie immediately took to. "She looks like the Waitress!"

"She absolutely does not look like the Waitress, Charlie!" Dennis yelled. "Sniper Wolf is sexy and sensual, with humongous breasts! The Waitress, well... She's a human train wreck." 

"Don't talk about the Waitress like that!" Charlie exploded, leaping up. He knocked the popcorn bowl over, scattering the remaining popped kernels. 

"God damn it!" Dee screamed. 

Onscreen, Snake was in the torture room, shirtless. Frank, Mac, and Dennis were all enthralled, for different reasons. 

Ocelot spoke to Snake. "There are no continues at this point, my friend. If you die now, you'll have to go all the way back."

"Oh shit, dude. When was the last time you saved?" Dennis sat up, concerned. 

"I... I don't think I've saved at all," Mac replied slowly.

"Shit..." Charlie said, trailing off. "Well, no, that's okay! Once Pistol Bobcat is done talking, just save real quick."

"There you go! Problem solved," Dee said cheerfully. "We won't have to watch you play the entire game from the beginning now." 

"I wouldn't mind that," Frank chimed in, kicking his be-Croc'd feet. 

"Shut the hell up, Frank. I've got this," Mac said, determined. The cutscene ended, and Mac hit the Select button on the controller, ending the torture sequence. 

"Ah, shit! That was the best part!" Frank shouted. 

"Yeah, that was probably gonna be the best part," Dennis agreed sadly. 

"What is your guy's obsession with torture?" Dee asked. 

"You have to admit, torture is fascinating," Charlie said helpfully. 

"Charlie's right," Dennis said, and Frank and Mac agreed. Dee raised her hands, confused. 

Onscreen, a shirtless Snake was detained in a prison cell. During a cutscene, Otacon appeared, delivering a ration and some ketchup to Snake. 

"Isn't that sweet? I'm really rooting for these guys to get together," Dennis said. Mac glanced over at him. 

Snake escaped the cell and the game continued. A flashback showed Meryl being shot again, and again Frank was enthralled. Dee scoffed. 

Snake journeyed on to the communication tower, running to the top chased by innumerable guards. At the top, he was menaced by Liquid in the Hind D. He met up with Otacon, who asked him if he thought love could bloom, even on a battlefield. 

"This game was really progressive for it's time," Dee chimed in. 

"It's great that they made the macho protagonist of this game a gay man," Charlie replied. 

"I'm really rooting for them to fall in love," Dennis added. 

"Shut the hell up, all of you," Mac shouted over them. "Snake's gonna end up with the hot chick, end of story."

"No she's not, you killed her because you're terrible at this game, you son of a bitch!" Dennis shouted back. "I'm sorry that you're the only one that can't accept that you're gay, but I'm not going to let that affect my enjoyment of this game, which is so obviously a love story between two men." 

"Yeah, Mac. It's okay, bro," Charlie said, passing out beers to him, Frank, and Dennis. Dee held her hand out for a beer, but Charlie sat down with the last one he held. "Two men can get married, it's like, totally legal and cool." 

"And neither one's the broad," Frank added. 

The game continued. Snake fought against Liquid's helicopter, succeeding. Mac was still terrible at the game, but he wasn't dying as much. He continued past the communication tower, and a boss battle against Sniper Wolf ensued. 

"Oh, no! You can't kill the Waitress, dude," Charlie complained. 

"That is not the Waitress!" Mac, Dennis, and Dee all shouted at the same time. 

Mac as Snake prevailed over Sniper Wolf, and she also had a lengthy death cutscene. Otacon came out, crying. "I loved you," he said with a sob.

"Oh, good, now Snake can console him with his Solid Snake," Dennis said. Everyone except Mac laughed. 

Snake ventured forward, finally arriving at Metal Gear's hangar. Mac as Snake made his way up the behemoth weapon, queueing a cutscene where Ocelot and Liquid discussed a lot of plot. Everyone was lost, including Dennis, who was starting to get pretty drunk. However, he maintained the air of understanding the entire time.

Onscreen, Snake held aloft the card key. Colonel Campbell stressed the importance of that key. Immediately, Ocelot shot it out of his hand. Snake ran all the way back down Metal Gear Rex to retrieve it, climbing back up Metal Gear to insert the first pass code. He then climbed back down Metal Gear to heat the key. 

"This game sure does like to make you run around a lot, huh? Jesus Christ," Dee complained. 

"Don't worry, Sweet Dee. We're finally getting to the end of this game," Dennis said comfortingly. "This is where the plot starts to get good."

"Starts to get good? Whatever, bro, this game is amazing," Mac replied. 

"I will admit that the story has me enthralled. This Kojima is a master storyteller. However, what I'm less impressed with is your goddamn lack of skill at playing this game," Dennis retorted. 

"Will you two clowns shut the hell up? I'm trying to watch the movie!" Frank shouted. 

Onscreen, Snake battled Metal Gear Rex. Liquid taunted him from the giant mech as he fired missile after missile. Rex's health bar decreased, and a cutscene with the Ninja played. 

"Dennis, I know you're rooting for Snake to end up with that science bitch, but I think he should end up with this foxy ninja," Dee said. 

"Dee, are you crazy? The ninja is going to sacrifice himself so Snake can live happily ever after forever and ever with the science bitch-- I mean, Otacon," Dennis replied. "The power and majesty of his sacrifice will color Snake's life forever, never allowing him peace. It's perfect."

The rest of the gang stared at Dennis in stunned silence. 

"That is screwed up," Frank said finally. 

Onscreen, Grey Fox, the Cyborg Ninja, indeed sacrificed himself to save Snake. Another battle with Metal Gear Rex, and another long cutscene played. Liquid, shirtless, taunting an equally shirtless Snake on top of Metal Gear Rex. 

"Hold on, how'd Blondie get Snake shirtless and on top of the robot?" Dee asked. 

"Don't ruin this with your logic, you goddamn bitch," Charlie replied. The rest of the gang agreed. 

Onscreen, Snake and Liquid fisted each other. Mac only died three or four times until finally, he succeeded in defeating Liquid. 

"Hey~yooo! Who won? Mac won, bitches!" Mac whooped, proffering his hand to Dennis for a high five. Again, Dennis shut him down, shaking his head dismissively. 

Onscreen, Snake lamented Meryl's death. Otacon came out of the shadows, and Dennis exclaimed happily. 

"Ohh! Look who was right!" Dennis gloated. 

"You don't know you were right yet!" Mac yelled. 

Onscreen, Otacon drove their getaway vehicle, Snake manning the machine gun. Liquid, thrice defeated now, gave chase. 

"This guy just doesn't know when to quit!" Charlie said. 

Snake and Otacon's Jeep crashed, and behind it, Liquid's crashed as well. Liquid descended on the two trapped men, machine gun in hand. Mac gripped Dennis's knee. Dennis stared at the hand, then at Mac. 

Onscreen, Liquid fell to his knees, dying. "Oh, that is some deus ex machina bullshit!" Dee exclaimed. 

"Now, Dee, there's nothing wrong with a... Vin Diesel machine," Charlie replied, sitting up from the recliner. "Many fine films star Vin Diesel, like those car movies." 

"He's got a garbage physique though," Mac added helpfully. 

Snake and Otacon sat on a snow mobile as the sun rose. Dennis sighed serenely. "I love a happy ending." 

The ending theme played as the credits rolled. Dennis closed his eyes, enthralled. 

"Gah! I love this movie!" Frank shouted. "I want to watch it again!"

"Yes, Frank, it was a fine game. Thank you for playing, Mac. Even your shitty playing couldn't ruin it for me," Dennis said, standing, stretching. 

"Did... did you really like it, Dennis?" Mac asked a bit self-consciously. "Do you think we can start doing movie night again?" 

Dennis sighed. "Sure, Mac." 

"Great!" Mac exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "I'll get the second Metal Gear for next week." 

"Goddamn it," Dee complained.


End file.
